Sadness...

Well it is official we lost another baby this week. This is the second time this has happened this round.  It is technically our third baby we lost because the first time it was twins.  The first time we lost the twins it was really hard.  We met the couple in July.  He was going to medical school and she was going to law school and they just weren't ready for a family.  They wanted better for their baby girls and we were so excited.  I have always wanted twins so we were making all sorts of plans.  Towards the end of July they told us that some tragedy had happened.  Since this is a G rated blog I won't go into details but they told us that he had cancer and had lost some certain body parts.  Therefore, he could not have any more children and they were keeping the babies.  We know that they were lying and that almost hurt more than if they would have just told us the truth.  Why did they feel the need to lie to us?  Do they honestly think that we are gullible enough to believe their story.  Anyway, after that we moved on and a 16 year old girl contacted us.  She had had a really hard life and was pregnant at 15.   She knew that adoption was the right thing to do.  She wanted to give this baby a chance at life and she knew that by placing him for adoption he would have that chance that she could not give him.  For three months we have been on a roller coaster ride with her.  She told us that we were the ones.  She was upset that we didn't announce it to everyone but we tried to explain that we are private and we like to keep it quiet until it works out.  So many times it doesn't work out and it is so much easier not to have the whole world know that we got our hearts broken again.  Anyway, she had the baby last Sunday.  She didn't even call us to tell us she was in labor.  We had to find out from facebook.  Then when she was in the hospital she had all these people telling her that she needed to take him home for a few days before she made her decision.  She kept our hopes up by telling us all the time that she wanted to choose adoption she just had to do this first or that first.  Finally, on Wednesday when she brought him home we knew that it was over.  We knew that no matter what she told us she was going to keep him and we were right.  It has been so hard to go through this again.  Sometimes I just don't understand why we have to go through so many losses before we finally get our children.  We know that it is worth it in the end but it is so hard.  I am so tired of shedding tears of pain.  When is it my turn to instead shed tears of joy.  When will I get to hold my baby in my arms and have a wonderful birth mother follow through with her promises.  We have two of the most amazing and wonderful birth mothers in the whole world.  I can't even imagine the courage it took for each of them to give us their child.  We love them so much and can't wait for another birth mother to enter our lives that is just as wonderful as they are.  We know that there is another baby that is supposed to come to our home.  We don't know when that will be but we know that we have to keep going through this pain until it happens.  It helps so much to see Makayla's and Kyle's little faces every day and know that this pain is worth it.  In the end, when it finally happens for us, we will be happier than we have ever been before.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wonder why we put ourselves through so much heartache to bring another child into our family.  I can't even begin to count the tears that I have shed or the sleepless nights I have had over waiting for our next child.  Sometimes I think that two is enough and I should just be thankful for them and not want more.  Sometimes I wonder why God allows us to go through so much pain when we are just trying to do what He told us to do... build an eternal family.  Our intentions are good and righteous so why do we have to go through so much pain.  Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it.  And then I look into these two little faces...

and I remember why all the pain is worth it.  Because in the end when we have that special birth mother who gives us her child this is what we get in the end.  Every time one of my kids gives me a kiss or a hug or tells me they love me I remember why it is all worth it.  Kyle and Makayla I love you so much.  You are my whole life and my whole world.  I will love you for eternity!  You make everything that we have gone through, are going through, or will go through worth it!!!

Bubbles

Even though the days are still really hot the evenings are getting nice and cool.  It looks like fall will be here before we know it.  As a family we love spending time together in our backyard.  One of the kids favorite thing to do is bubbles.

Get them Kyle get them!!!

I love how Kyle is right behind Makayla getting ready to attack!

As Kyle and Makayla are getting older they are becoming closer and closer.  It's so fun when I walk into a room and there are my two kiddos playing together.  I love it.  We all can't wait to add another child to our family.  That baby is going to be loved so much by all of us!!!

Remembering September 11th...

I will never forget ten years ago I woke up and was getting ready for work.  Ben and I lived on BYU campus and he was still sleeping because he didn't have classes until later.  Every morning I would watch the Today show while I was getting ready.  This morning was no different than any other morning until on the show they showed a plane hitting the World Trade Center.  It was weird and I remember thinking, "Wow, what an idiot to do that!"  I went and woke Ben up and told him what had happened.  As time went by we were more and more confused as to what was going on.  Finally, as the news unfolded, we realized that we had been attacked by terrorists.  I can't even describe the feelings that I was having.  I couldn't believe that something like this could happen to a great country like America.  Our world has changed so much in the last ten years.  I don't quite feel as safe as I used to.  We didn't have children until after this happened but I think we are raising them differently that we would have if this great tragedy hadn't happened.  When the 10 year anniversary was coming up of September 11th we decided that we better tell Makayla a little of what had happened.  I didn't want her watching TV or talking to her friends and wondering what was going on and being scared.  I told her that before she was born some really bad men decided to fly airplanes into buildings so they could kill a lot of people.  She was shocked.  She said that we should write a letter to them telling them that that is mean and we should be nice to everyone.  Makayla is really into making up songs these days so she decided to sing a song about September 11th.  I am so glad that I live in America.  I love this country with all my heart.  I am so blessed to have a wonderful husband and amazing children.  We are so thankful to live where we live and have the freedoms that we have.  

  

On a lighter note, when we were at our family reunion in July my dad read the grandkids a book called Wienerwolf.  Kyle absolutely fell in love with this book.  My parents gave a copy of the book to all the grandkids so Kyle reads it all the time.  He loves to pretend he is a wolf and make the howling noise.  I swear it is the cutest thing you've ever seen.  We were lucky enough to get him on video making his Wienerwolf sounds.  Enjoy...